Funny thing isn't it, love ? It makes one do anything, and I mean ANYTHING. I doubt there's a feeling like that in the world which can produce such extreme feelings, and hence extreme actions in people. And the funny part is, the absolutely funny part is that the person, doing whatever he/she does, under the influence of love, will think it's perfectly sane to do the most absurd things, for equally insane reasons. Weird or what ? And yes, it inspires people, it makes them rise above themselves, do things which were they never thought were possible by them.
But when love goes sour, that's when it can plummet one to the depths of despair. And the sh** that goes on when a good relationship turns sour, that can rarely be put in words. Sometimes, when something is so good, so real, then you don't feel like leaving it, that when the trouble starts. It's hard to leave a good thing, but gets harder if one doesn't know when to back off.
THAT FATEFUL DAY
It's so easy, when someone is so submissive to push them into a corner, and all the time you are thinking, "Right, I'll just push a wee bit more, just until I have got it to a point from where I can move it forward, without going through these horrible actions". You think, that the end will eventually justify the means. Of course, you have no intention to hurt or even marginally harm that special someone. You just wander along in your happy-go-lucky self, telling, no no, convincing yourself that all of this is for the greater good of the relationship, that one special relationship. But, unaware and blissful as you are, you don't realise that the person at the other end suffers, and has no idea, that there is no malice in your voice, no threat in your actions. And then, one day, when you push too fast and too hard, without realising what you are doing, your entire world comes crashing around you, cause that was the straw that broke the camel's back. Cause that's the day, when the other one does something so extreme, that everything seems mild in comparison. At first, its a surreal feeling, your ears hear it, but you just can't acknowledge the fact. It doesn't fit in, and it irritates you, it pushes you to do stupider things. But at the end of that fateful day, when you crawl into your bed, harrowed by the knowledge that you are lonely and cold, that'swhen it sinks in, that's when it hits you, and you spend an entire night just trying to cry it away. Trying to cry, in the weird hope, that you will just become numb, and in that numbness, will lie your solitude. But the harder you cry, the more you think, and the more you think, the more the truth stares you in the face, until you finally accept it.
THE NEXT DAY
You wake up the next morning, or rather, you leave your bedside. Sleep, in such times is sporadic, because the minute your eyes close, memories, all those painful memories, flood back to you, like never ending nightmares, and even if you open your eyes, for a few lingering moments, they refuse to fade away. However, you are up, and first thing, you sit and you try to convince yourself that yesterday night was a bad dream, that all of this is untrue, and to put that to test, you turn to the one, whose always been there for you whenever you confused. However, when you call, the harsh truth hits you, like a knockout punch, and then you start wishing, that maybe you should never have got up today. And then you finally accept it, what a stupid fool you have been, and you wonder how things ever got so messed up. But the worst part, is the answer, which is delivered to you by that small voice in the back of your head that you haven't been listening to all this while, the answer which says, quite plainly, that things got till here because of you, because of your stupidity. And though you try to reason with yourself, that why were the actions of that someone so drastic, you know deep down inside, that in this mad world, the small voice is the only one that is making sense. Then you begin to admonish yourself, you abuse and insult yourself, you concentrate on your mistakes and cry over them, because you finally know the root cause of why your dream world is tearing itself apart. And if you look real hard, you'll realise that it is your own hands wrecking this havoc, but you were just blind not to see it till now. The same way you were blind, not to love when you were loved, not to give when you were asked for it, and most of all, not to say thank you, until it was too late. But you still won't believe it, because of love, the love for that someone which pulls you back harder, the more you try to leave and hence, you seek for answers. And though it aches your tired heart, you heap more misery on yourself, and continue to pray, until the moment arrives. It'll be a teeny tiny moment, possibly if you aren't concentrating, and wallowing in self-pity, you may even miss it. Though it may take time to come, sure as hell, THE moment finally arrives, cause that is love answering back. It is the moment, when your prayers are answered, and there emerges a tiny ray of hope, just a little flicker of light, in your own dark hell. That is when your beloved gives you a chance, no no, not a chance but a hope, that do this and maybe things will be okay, or maybe they will be not, but you just know that there is still thisminuscule chance. And you take it, sure it may not be a fair deal, sure it may be a blind alley, but you cling on to it, cause that is hope. And it is light in a deep, dark and lonely world. And you smile, and hang up, cause now your life has purpose, now you realise your follies, and accept them, and that is the first step to forgiveness and possibly salvation.
So you start, you start to keep the promise you made, and at times you feel so lonely and hard done, that it's untrue, but you keep at it, cause you realise that it's harder for the person at the other end, and that a day of keeping the promise, is one more day on the path to recovery. In your moments of solitude, you begin to realise your mistakes, more clearly than ever before, and you repent for them. You realise, how lucky you are, not to be shunned aside, not to be dumped, but to be given an opportunity to repent, and to prove that you too, can be trusted. You realise, how difficult it must be for the person at the other end, how wonderful that person is, and how you'll two share a common vision for a better, stronger future. And though, you know, that this may be a wild goose chase, that nothing may ever change, and that life may again kick you in the ba**s, you stick at it, because you trust that person, whose given you hope, never to let you down, and that trust and the love, and the memories of bygone days keep you trudging along your chosen path.
At times, though you sit and wonder, that why should I not just move on, and why shouldn't I not look back ? So, you set out, only to realise, that no one quiet takes care of you, and no one smiles at you, and understands you, in that same special way and so you return, like a moth to a flame, even though you know that it may eventually be the end of you, you know that you are willing to take your chances with that.
You are also scared, scared that what if even after all this, the issue of the future comes up,but then you smile at your stupidity, cause after all this, if the issue of the future comes up, you know that with your understanding and compromise, you will get through anything. And you promise yourself, that you will never hold back that person at whatever cost and never to make the same mistakes again.
And you pray, every morning, evening and night, that just maybe, just maybe, sometime in the future, when the storm of present has settled down (cause you know, that come what may, it will settle down), that it'll be just you and that person, together, in their own private little world, sitting, and smiling at the chaotic world pass by, enjoying a stronger bond, because you know, if this comes through, then your bond will be stronger and fresher than ever before.
Never give up, never ever think that something is unworkable and back off. Just put your entire faith and work hard, and always believe.
